Vanity is a funny thing. It’s based on comparison and as we all should know by now, comparison is the death of happiness. I met a beautiful girl the other day whom I knew when I was a kid. She’s a sweet person, a mother of two beautiful children and has always been pretty – really pretty. We met at the market and I wanted to scream. She was unrecognisable. Since the last time I saw her she has had so much plastic surgery that she has erased any trace of herself – the girl she was is gone. A strange amalgam of beauty ideals has replaced her natural expressions. I wanted to cry, shake her and beg her. Looking at her face was looking at pain and self loathing – a culture that pushes us too far. The greatest tragedy is she has a daughter.
I also have a daughter and I also have scars – really, really bad ones. When I was pregnant around week 28 with my son, proudly flaunting my round belly on the beach, admiring its ever expanding size and the little kicks within, I noticed a weird red scratch on my bikini line. Turns out it was the beginning of some ripper stretch marks that hurtled their way up my belly and stopped somewhere around my rib cage. Nice. Really stylish.
Let’s just say the bikini thing is officially over.
So, I understand plastic surgery and the desire to ‘fix’ stuff. I breastfed two kids to 15 months each. More plastic surgery desire there. ‘Nough said! Some days I look in the mirror and I’m just a little pissed off… would anyone notice if I took three weeks off work? Went in for a little nip and tuck?! Then I am forced to think of my kids and not just my vanity. How will they view their partners or themselves if I present an image of perfection? Is that helpful to them? Is perfection helpful to anyone? What will my son expect of the women in his life – that they are an impossible idea of woman? How much therapy will that cost? Does my desire to be 'beautiful’ override my responsibility to be real with my kids?
My husband and I often laugh about our changing appearances as we grow older together. Grey hairs, stretch marks, expanding and contracting belly lines. Then I am reminded of something we find hard to do.
Have gratitude.
As my children lie sleeping in their beds I am overwhelmed with gratitude. When I notice Dan’s beard slightly greying, I pray we get to be completely silver haired together. When my mum turned 60, she was just a little freaked out. “I’m only 40 in my head!” and then I reminded her. Every birthday is a privilege. My dad didn’t get past his 45th birthday.
There’s something we forget when we try and erase the years and the scars. We forget they are the markers of a life lived, of things learned, of love given and received, of loss, of laughter. How can I say to Willow that she’s enough if I don’t believe that I am? She’ll know I’m a fraud and most likely will feel that putting herself under general anaesthetic and letting someone put a knife to her face and body is quite normal. Necessary in fact.
I’d rather teach her the safer, saner, if somewhat harder lesson of gratitude. Of being enough. We fly outside of ourselves, unhinged by images that persist an ideal. There are days I’d rather not look at my scars but then I am reminded of my life and I am so very, truly grateful. Anyway, Jets make really nice full piece bathers.
Berry is Dumbo Feather’s publisher and recently interviewed Brené Brown about life, vulnerability and shame in issue 30. Stay tuned for the full piece.
You can follow Berry on Twitter via @berryfeather.
Comments
elise 19 Jan 2:30PM
Speaking the truth gives others permission to feel and speak their truth...
Deeply enjoyed reading your reflections and honesty- BRAVE..
x
Sunoandaboys 19 Jan 2:40PM
You have my eternal gratitude.
Love ya
Xx
jane 19 Jan 3:15PM
very brave and real Berry .. thank you for sharing xx
veronica grow 19 Jan 7:40PM
really well written article. While it is important to take pride in our appearance, as I believe our appearance is another of life's artforms, how did this obsession with being youthful ever start? This hideous addiction that we have to being young in our culture is a tragedy. It seems that if anyone is over 45 years old, they are deemed useless, unnecessary and irrelevant. And this is the time of our life when we are just starting to develop wisdom. No wonder people can't let go of their youth who can blame them.
Thanks for the article.
emma 19 Jan 8:14PM
Bez.....love love the article i 100% agree with growing old gracefully and naturally! If only our wrinkles and curves could talk!!! Em x
Galit 19 Jan 8:46PM
Your words should be placed on a billboard....loved reading the article.
Nat Pryles 19 Jan 10:59PM
Beautiful Berry.... Xx
JBBC 20 Jan 1:55AM
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." ~ Khalil Gibran
As a breast cancer survivor, with more than her share of scars, I found this post beautiful to read and a reminder of how our scars tell our stories. Writing in the New York Times of his own scars following surgery for prostate cancer, Dana Jennings described them as "footnotes to the ordinary but bloody detours that befall us on the roadways of life...And in their railroad-track-like appearance, my scars remind me of the startling journeys that my body has taken".
Lori Anne 20 Jan 1:58AM
A beautifully seasoned and wise look at ourselves through a lens of gratitude and love. I also find a sense of humor to be an excellent quality as we age! I hope you don't mind my sharing this with you. I think we are kindred spirits on this topic! http://mammasteblog.com/2010/11/07/loving-the-skin-im-in/
Mas 20 Jan 2:12AM
Though I believe in natural beauty and enjoyed reading this article, I think a little plastic surgery to enhance myself, and not in a way that changes who I am and how I look, is acceptable. I'm far from plastic but don't oppose to the idea of it in the future...
Parul 20 Jan 2:14AM
A beautiful post.
"... the safer, saner, if somewhat harder lesson of gratitude. Of being enough."
This is the single most important lesson we can learn ourselves and teach others, especially children.
Mary McDonald 20 Jan 2:24AM
There is a woman in my community who has a severely burned face, stretched skin grafts over what is left of her nose, etc. She has two young daughters. She runs daily and competes in road races. I see her running errands, always smiling, making eye contact,obviously grateful to just still be here.
Suzi Banks Baum 20 Jan 2:28AM
What a gorgeous message, Berry. I love your transparency and your gratitude. I too am full of scars and the stories that go with them. They are a map really, of the adventure of not always playing it safe, right?
I am hosting a blog series about mothering and creativity on my site. Come visit the blog posts and see if you’d like to participate. And thank you for your clear beautiful writing.
Suzi Banks Baum
www.outofthemouthsofbabes.org/
Lori Anne Yang 20 Jan 3:26AM
After reading this I was inspired to write the following! Thank you.
Today I woke up in LOVE with every wrinkle on my face. Each one a lazily scrawled love letter from the petulant and precious lover that is my life. Now deeply creased in familiar folds and sepia-toned, they are wrapped 'round with faded ribbon and stored lovingly in every crease around smiling eyes and furrowed brow. ~LY
Deborah Weaver 20 Jan 3:35AM
"There’s something we forget when we try and erase the years and the scars. We forget they are the markers of a life lived, of things learned, of love given and received, of loss, of laughter."
YES! These markers, more than any collage board depicting our life journey, come to us to be received, accepted, loved and, maybe one day, adored. These scars, once we have loved them for how they saved some deeper part of ourselves, can be planted and revisited and honored, like a memorial garden!
Manuela Mage 20 Jan 3:52AM
I am grateful about being me and liking the way i'm growing into my 50s. I am as beautiful (Was I ever beautiful/ screams my other "self") as I was wheen 3, 7 , 12, 17, 21, 30....then we start questioning. But think abut it. Babies, androgenous and round and cute are considered beautiful by everyone. Can we apply that concept to grown women and men?? That we're just beautiful manifestations of wo/manhood!!! I'm trying!
Manuela Mage 20 Jan 3:52AM
I am grateful about being me and liking the way i'm growing into my 50s. I am as beautiful (Was I ever beautiful/ screams my other "self") as I was wheen 3, 7 , 12, 17, 21, 30....then we start questioning. But think abut it. Babies, androgenous and round and cute are considered beautiful by everyone. Can we apply that concept to grown women and men?? That we're just beautiful manifestations of wo/manhood!!! I'm trying!
ChristaJeanne 20 Jan 6:28AM
I love this, applying it to emotional scars as well. I had a really painful childhood, but in pondering it yesterday, I realized that so many good traits intrinsic to how I operate as an adult stemmed from childhood experiences, or that those strengths were a core part of me even way back then (i.e. wanting closure when we moved when I was 6, turning to arts and academics for validation, needing lots of hugs as a kid because physical touch is my love language, etc.). As much as I sometimes think I'd like to just erase my memory from most everything before adolescence (not to mention some incidents through the teen years), I wouldn't. It's vital to recognize the bad with the good, to appreciate and embrace EVERYTHING that's made us who we are - and to look at scars as signs of strength, not weakness.
Carolina Gonzalez 20 Jan 7:53AM
Absolutely! Love & Gratitude to you Berry x
Berry 20 Jan 10:23AM
Wow. I'm overwhelmed by these comments and thankyou all for sharing your thoughts
Berry x
Dinx 20 Jan 2:32PM
I have just read your post twice just incase I missed something first time round. In our busy lives we often don't sit with anything that makes us feel uncomfortable so kudos to you for sitting with, pondering and validating your thoughts with this beautifully written blog. Your post along with many comments from my 4 children, ( why have you got so many spots on your body? Why does your bum wobble so much when you walk? Why don't your boobs stand up like Alex's ?) has reminded me to scan my body and appreciate every single one of my markings - like has been said already each one tells a different story and so far the story hasnt let me down! Thx for sharing and allowing me to stop and be grateful Can't wait to read your next post and btw you look fab in your one piece!! D xxx
Shelley Panton 20 Jan 3:35PM
A really beautiful story to read this afternoon. Thanks for sharing, Berry.
I couldn't agree more about our scars (and greys) being a part of our life journey and story. We all have our fare share of them, and they make us who we are.
xxx
Libby Friels 20 Jan 4:56PM
Darling Berry! You continue to inspire me no end. You are a beautiful soul, inside and out. I am eternally grateful to have you in my life. Every time I see you or speak to you, I come away feeling more whole and full of life. Muchas gracias to you my gorgeous, for all that you do and for all that you are.
Love you, Liberachi xoxo
Kylie 20 Jan 6:48PM
A great article bezz! What we have is just perfect and all we need. It's all about staying true to yourself & looking within for happiness. Xx
Rebecca 21 Jan 12:48PM
Wow! My first visit to your blog and - refreshing, fierce and authentic. Thanks for sharing your voice. Blessed.
Sara Groves 22 Jan 7:12PM
This is my first visit to your site and what a lovely thing to read. I couldn't agree more, I wear my stripes with pride, as they are the result of four beautiful children. Our scars whether external or internal are all part of the journey we have made, they are part of us. I will definitely be back to visit.
Sara
carol anne 23 Jan 8:39AM
Real people are by far more beautiful than any Hollywood starlet.
Richelle Marks 24 Jan 11:27AM
Berry, so wise so young ! I read this advice the other day.."The Art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing them" Bernard M Baruch.You have captured this for me with a sense of humour and candidness !
sarah wadlin 26 Jan 5:17PM
Wholehearted! love it. xx
cassie 27 Jan 4:02PM
wow bez! how poignant, precise and downright honest. its refreshing (and at times confronting) to realise as you get older that theres esentially no changing the way we are made. Basically its completely irrational to compare ourselves to the glossy mag models and celebrities that we think society wants us to look like. But beauty to me lies within individuality and confidence, and how can we be beautiful in this regard if we are always trying to look like another and disallow ourselves the right to just be ourselves!
Mimi 09 Feb 1:41PM
Go Bev!
Well done xxxxxx
Lou Pardi 09 Feb 1:54PM
Lovely. And so true.
So long as you have that killer smile you'll dazzle anyone you meet. x
Jasmin 09 Feb 3:15PM
Thank you. I'm going to forward this to my Mum. I see her sometimes struggling to see her own worth, and I think "how can she not see how beautiful she is? If she doesn't think she's beautiful, how do I compare?". I love my silver hairs and the laughter lines around my eyes...I'm so grateful for these laughter lines!
I know the worth of letting your own light shine...and enabling others to do the same...sharing blogs like this help to get the message across.
Let it shine, People! :-)
Juliet 09 Feb 6:48PM
Know that you are good enough - everyday! It's comforting to grow old gracefully, and to accept yourself for who you are. It's the best you will ever be!
Derek Hambrick 15 May 1:34AM
Bravo. There are more people in this world that think like you -- and I -- do. Being more vocal is a matter if importance ... and a matter of being heard above most media. Thanks for writing!